My Mum Passed Away

4:26 pm HelenLJohnson 0 Comments

I'm sat here, thinking, why the hell am I writing this on my blog? This blog is filled with cosplay, gaming and generally fun stuff. As the title gives the topic away, yes, I have lost my Mum, on Saturday 22nd 2017 aged 60. A Mum who meant the world to me, who has been my carer when I was little and as the years went by I became her carer. I'm writing this here, because as a previous avid diarist (my whole teenage and early twenties are documented, not sure if that is a positive thing!) writing things out is damn cathartic and I have mentioned in passing my Mum, and my role as a carer via social media. It was how I got into cosplay in the first place because it was a creative outlay and a break away from caring. My Mum was also so proud of my costumes and loved seeing them, as best she could. She was registered blind, I'm not sure how much she actually saw, but I gave her props to feel and she used to always say it looked nice before realising yet another costume was covered in blood! Along with my Nana, she taught me the joys of creating, from fabric to wood; my Mum was the person in the household with a toolbox! So, why not write a little bit here? Maybe a fellow cosplayer, gamer or carer who lost their Mum might find some comfort in this post; if that happens then that is more than I can ask for. For now, I just want to write.

My Mum wasn't always so ill, although she had medical issues from as far back as I can remember. Undergoing a triple heart bypass in 2002, I became used to my Mum attending and staying in hospital. She also never hid death from me and much to some people's dismay, we would have some pretty morbid conversations! However I did always tell her off for keeping a spare sympathy card alongside the birthday cards! This attitude has helped immensely, even though it is still so hard right now. For me, it is the half eaten things, the half used shower gels, the bag just dropped on the floor, the single mini tin of beans that I had to buy because she refused to eat Heinz beans like every one else. The house feels paused, it is hard to know what to do with 'things'.

As a carer, my life became woven with my Mum's and suddenly being broken out of that routine is quite strange. Only now do I realise how many times I wrote essays and fan fiction, read journal articles and drank coffees during hospital appointments and stays. Gaming and the internet became not only an escape, but also became a way where I could build skills while still staying within a space where if I were needed, I could be there. I wrote a blog post over " Liverpool Girl Geeks" that showed how I did that. My Mum never really got gaming, but she would always try to understand what was going on, as long as there wasn't too much shooting! Very often, once I finished a game, I would tell her what the story was, she was particularly interested in Life is Strange and they were nice moments we shared. She also introduced me to Pokémon because she saw all the other kids playing with Gameboys and talking about the anime. Though she probably didn't expect to still be buying me Pokémon games for Christmas almost 20 years later! 

What I have noticed quite prominently is how people grieve differently; and how different styles of grieving can clash. All I can say on that is try to be away of other people and try to not enforce your style upon others. I felt terrible that although my Mum only passed away a week ago, that I still wanted to go to Manchester MCM Comic Con. I just wanted to work on costumes and do my PhD annual progress meeting. For me, I felt I should stay at home, but I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do and I know my Mum would have been mad if I didn't go! So yes, I did go to comic con on Saturday and had a lovely day alongside fellow cosplayers and meeting up with people I only see a few times a year. On the Sunday, I stayed with my Dad; we both appreciated how each other grieved and worked it out so we could both get what we wanted. This made is much easier to deal with.

So what now? Of course, a 'new normal' is now starting to emerge. But I am also appreciating the amount of experiences and things to look forward to, even if I don't know what they are yet. My Mum taught me to find pleasure in the small things, so I am going to sign off this post with the wise words of Albus Dumbledore:


Thank you :) and I'll be writing again soon x